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1. The dog is not allowed in the house!
2.Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3.The dog is allowed in all the rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4.The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.
5.Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6.All right, the dog is allowed on the bed, but ONLY by invitation.
7.The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8.The dog can sleep under the covers by invitaion ONLY.
9.The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10.Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the DOG.
TOP TEN DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1.Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!
2.Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!!
3.Taking me for a walk ... then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyways??
4.Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!!
5.Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6.The slight of hand,(fake fetch throw)... You fooled a dog! Whoooo,Hoooo-what a proud moment for the top of the fod chain.
7.Taking me to the vet for the "BIG SNIP",then acting surprised when i freak out every time we go back!!!
8.Getting upset when i sniff the crotches of your guests.Sorry,but i haven't mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters.Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur??
10.How you act disgusted when i lick myself.Look,we both know the truth, you are just jealous.
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dog
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a King sized bed.I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is NOT neceeary to claw, whine,try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.I must exit through the same door I entered.Also,I have been using the bathroom for years- canine attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me,THEN go smell the other dog's butt.I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear dog, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Vist & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here.You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.( That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3.I like my dogs a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal.To me, they are an adopted son/daughter who is short,hairy,walks on all fours and dosen't speak clearly.
Remember:In many ways, dogs are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need money for further education.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant,you can sell their children.
All that remains is to decide...
...Do you want a boy or girl?
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